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Riots Not Diets

This is some bullshit

Updated December 21, 2020

So the good folks at Haagen-Dazs Australia have come out with this gimmick to help ice cream eaters hoard their booty: a fake bag of frozen peas you put your Haagen-Dazs into, thereby thwarting others in your household from eating it.

To borrow a phrase from The Youth of Today: I hate it here.

Now, I’m not judging the pain of the pilfered popsicle. I understand the need we all have to feel secure in our frozen treats. I believe the UN recently recognized as a human right the confidence in knowing dessert is still going to be there the next time we open the freezer, and I applaud them for it.

What I’m side-eyeing is the production of a peas-less bag of peas to be used as an ice cream decoy when you could just…use an empty bag of actual peas.

But wait! I’ve got an even better idea: how about instead of giving your ice cream the level of security ordinarily reserved for heads of state and Tom Cruise, you try the share n’ care method, i.e. you buy enough goddamn ice cream for the whole family to enjoy?

Sure, I get it—not everyone can afford multiple containers of treats (goddess knows *I* am WAY too cheap for high end ice cream) and kids gotta learn blah blah blah. But if you’re the kind of family who can afford to buy Haagen-Dazs, are you sure that your resistance to buying some for the whole family is really about price? ‘Cause to me, this whole thing sounds like one more way that parents controlling food in the house leads to misery for everyone, especially the parents.